Anne says: I’m reposting this today, as it is so very relevant to all of us as we age, and risk losing loved ones who are also ageing. My dear Grandma used to say how it’s those that are left who suffer, not the dying. And as Ian shows us, you can be comforted by knowing that loved ones don’t really die but stay with us. I’m also passing on a link about grieving from The Conversation at the end.

DOES TIME HEAL ALL WOUNDS?

They say that time heals all wounds; I believe this to not be completely true.  Perhaps time is not exactly a healer, but it can assist other healing strategies. Ultimately, I’ve found, it’s up to the individual to find ways to achieve healing for themselves during the time that passes after experiencing a wound, a trauma, or, particularly in my case, my partner’s death.

These words came to me in the early days after my wife passed away; “It’s better to leave than to be the one left behind.”  The lyrics of the song True Love, written by Cole Porter, and originally sung by Bing Crosby in the film High Society, also contain, in part, the following statements …

And you make me so mad, I ask myself
Why I’m still here, or where could I go
You’re the only love I’ve ever known

…

Nothin’ else can break my heart like true love

…

No one else can break my heart like you”

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THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME

When your spouse dies, your world changes and everything hurts. You are in what seems like a never-ending mourning, reaching dark depths of grief, sorrow and despair at your loss. You feel numb, shocked, lost and fearful. You feel guilty for being the one who is still alive. At some point, you can even feel angry at your spouse for leaving you. I was told all of these feelings are normal. There are no rules about how you should feel or how long you should be “down”. There is no right or wrong way to mourn. When you grieve, you feel both physical and emotional pain, and as I said, everything hurts.

For many years I felt existentially “alone”, incomplete, despite having the support of a loving family and friends.  With a partner’s death your status suddenly changed from a pigeon pair to a single, from two to one … in the most mundane ways, which is hard to articulate.  I think it is not unlike being cut off at the knees, like a tree cut down leaving only a stump. Does the stump fade away or does it send up a new shoot and start again? 

I discovered that the people you love the most can cause you the most pain. This was a shock to me, but eventually, and given the passage of time, I realised that, equally, the person you love most can mend your heart when it is most broken, even when they are no longer here. That realization was my saving grace when it came; THAT’S what true love is and what it can do. True love can fix what is broken, that’s its true purpose.

To be left alone means you need to make a new life. How simple that sounds, but how incredibly difficult it is to achieve.

MAKING LIFE CHOICES WHEN YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN

“Make a new life” …. Yes, that’s the task each survivor (widow or widower) faces after the death of their marriage partner. New life choices are complicated at the time by feelings of one’s own mortality and fragility, alarming at profound psychological and physical levels. While there is no hierarchy of bereavement, the death of a partner is among the most profound losses. The death of the adult you love the most is an especially cruel experience. Most of us choose to bleakly live on, because, however bad we feel, the death instinct eludes us in our hold on life. We wait, and long for a change of some sort. Eventually, I became defined, not by loss, but by love. Eventually I came to the decision that I needed to seek to make changes, to make a new life for myself.

To make a new life one has to ask “what is your plan for the rest of your life?” and then identify one’s problems one by one, work on them one by one, making choices to solve each problem … and then move on to the next, doing the choices for solution steps all over again … by yourself!  What I’m talking about is not like one of those so-called life simulation games in which the choices you make have no real point or consequence, but REAL LIFE CHOICES which make important decisions about your life. For example, where and how you choose to live, what you do, what you need and want and don’t need or don’t want in your life, i.e. work out how to live without your life’s partner.

We shape our life through the choices we make … and then those choices reshape the new us. Life is nothing but a totality of conscious choices that you continuously make. Whether you want it or not, directly or indirectly, YOU are choosing everything. YOU are doing the choosing for yourself without taking in the needs, wishes and desires of another (your marriage partner) as was your established pattern. Someone else does not choose for you in your life, or influence your choices; it is you who makes the choices. Just you! How scary is that?  Then, because of the love I felt, I took the leap … to start living again … for me … for the moment … a new life … of me, for me, by me.

THE AFTERMATH OF MY LIFE DECISIONS

I now try to live the way I believe she would have wanted me to; for the present not just the past, with purpose, with love for our kids and their kids, while trying to be the best version of me I can be … I do this for the sake of the love we shared and the affection we had for each other. I, of course, miss the daily expressions of love and affection, understanding, acceptance, appreciation, counselling and companionship, but the memories of “us” are as strong as ever and I am so grateful to have had, and to still have, such a life shaping True Love.  My life stump’s new shoot is reaching towards the light

ATTITUDE ACTION

A Poem by Ian Wells

I have chosen to wake up anticipating wonder and not fear,
To be satisfied with all the gladness I can see around me,
Choosing to know that life still has meaning in every day,
And accepting myself for who I am and what I can be or do.
I thank my mentors for their many constantly flowing wisdoms,
That teaching/learning from others who understand the world
More deeply than I alone; who glimpse into its various corners,
Interpreting its subtle nuances and its potential miracles for me.
I have managed to pretty much overcome life’s every hurdle,
To start living again … in the moment; of me, for me, by me.
Building on my emotional strengths, confidence and happiness,
Finding healthy ways to cope with life’s daily dark challenges.
Gradually I’ve been changing my life and expanding my horizons.
All my small miracles put a smile on my face and I like to be happy,
My “new life” attitude has given me finally a measure of peace,
It’s a real boost to my existence and a lift for my tortured soul.

Editor’s Note: This made me think of The Lord is My Shepherd, psalm (28), created by Kind David circa 1000 BC, which I’d always associated with deaths in battle, especially the lines: “Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me. thy rod and thy staff comfort me.” But there are internal battles going on in all of us: accepting death itself as we age, not being the least of them, and especially fear linked to the death of losing our loved ones!

Thanks to Ian for sharing his real experience with us.

See also: Sign up to The Conversation for an article published February 2024 about Grief and Grieving.